


Tear me to pieces

by Akiko_kitsune



Category: Gintama
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Oboro, Canon Universe, Choking, Drugs, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone is in love with Takasugi, Heavy Angst, Hyperventilation, I'm Sorry, Lies, Lima Syndrome, M/M, Manipulation, Mind Games, Oboro is a good boy, Psychological Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Switch Takasugi, Takasugi POV, Threesome - M/M/M, Top Utsuro, Torture, Voyeurism, What-If, Yakult plushy cameo, everyone is ooc, it's a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:25:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: What if the rescue hadn't come soon enough and Takasugi fell into Utsuro's hands?  Would a man who had just woken up from a coma find any way of surviving facing the most dangerous creature in the universe?





	Tear me to pieces

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a line from "lovely" by Billie Eillish ft. Khalid, though this fic was inspired most on "NFWMB" by Hozier and "bury a friend" by Billie Eilish, as well as talking with all you people on Twitter.
> 
> Selyann had already written a fic with a similar concept, go check it out (she's amazing) - https://archiveofourown.org/works/5368703.

“... Shinsuke...”

Takasugi knew that voice.

He knew it too well. He tried opening his eyes to see that person. He felt like he got a glimpse of blond hair, but he still had problems with keeping his eye open.

 _Is it heaven?_  
  
No. He wouldn’t get there. All the lives he cut with his sword and stepped on to reach his goals would drag him down to hell. So it had to be a dream.  
  
Yeah, it had to be a dream.  
  
He shut his eye. After all these years, he finally got a good dream. He didn't want to wake up from it.

He heard more words said with the same voice. Oh, how much did he missed its tone...  
  
"So you've returned here. To hell.”  
  
Slowly the meaning of the words started coming to Takasugi.  
  
He also recognised the stench handing in the air. He felt it so often, he should stop minding it. Before his mind put it into words, his heart raced to force him to wake up. His eye fought to open.

He was still seeing _him_. No matter how many times he opened and shut his eye. He was smiling gently as he always was. He was sitting at the edge of the bed Takasugi was laying on. He was so close... His kimono was pitch black. But it was the only colour. It didn't have to mean anything.

But there was something odd in this scene. Something that was telling this smile wasn’t true.

Why wouldn't it be true? When Shouyou smiled, Takasugi never got this impression. Why was this time different?

It was hell.

Takasugi should have foreseen it. How to better torment him than with the image of the loved one?

He missed him so much.

Takasugi moved even closer forcing his body to raise up a bit to sit. He ran his hand to his face. He felt warmth under his fingertips. It was not a ghost. Whatever else he was, he really was here. Finally...

Takasugi started to understand. He could try to push it away, but he knew what was wrong. He had figured it out. Rather, he had thought about such a possibility. Either way, the person he was seeing… That had to be Utsuro. And that was why the whole place stunk of blood. Takasugi was the only one left and there was no escape from fate this time.

It didn’t matter. Even if his fate was settled, it didn’t matter. All that matter was the person before him. And that was truly...

No. It was a monster that came to haunt him. Nothing more.

His hands ran down. He made it so slowly and tenderly, the monster didn’t catch on his true intention. Who would blame him? Takasugi himself had no idea what he was doing either.

His hands squeezed on the monster’s neck. It didn't disappear under his touch, he could still feel the warmth of another person.

Monster changed his expression. It became dull. His eyes locked on Takasugi.

The man nearly lost his grip because of it. His body wanted to move back. To run away. Anywhere but not here.

It only brought out a smile on the monster's lips. Though it could no longer be called gentle.

Takasugi knew his body was weakened. However, even if he was in his best condition, he wouldn’t be a threat to the man he was facing. That monster pushed him off with one hand and pressed him down to the bed.

"It wasn't a smart decision," he said dully.

“Are there any smart decision left to make?” Takasugi laughed bitterly.

The hand crushing his chest pressed on him even harder making it hard to breathe.

The monster moved closer. Takasugi could feel its silky hair brushing on his skin.

“So you would rather make sure it would end with your death?” the monster spoke with a low voice. With the other hand, he touched Takasugi’s face. He didn’t bring any harm. “Foolish creature,” he murmured and moved back. The pressure of Takasugi’s disappeared. Maybe he changed his planes. “Why have you woken up?” he asked and left.

Takasugi recovered from the initial shock and raised from the bed, he was left alone in the room. He shut his eye and opened it again. It didn't change anything. Did it really happen what he had just seen? Or was it a dream that spill from a long sleep?

His chest hurt when he breathed. That could be caused by anything. His hands still remember squeezing on something and feeling something's warmth. He closed them to fists and opened few times looking at them. What had just happened?

It didn't matter. The stench of blood filling the room reminded him what he should do.

He had to bury the bodies.

 

* * *

  
  
"You know it's meaningless,” Takasugi heard from behind when he was finishing the mass grave. Only one more body was left - his own. He turned back to see the person he said it, but he knew his voice too well to mistake it with any other. “They will rot no matter what you do.” 

“Are you really here?”

“You see me. Is that not enough?”

“I can’t trust my eyes.”

“In that case…” the monster rested his hand on the hilt of the sword hung by his side. Takasugi barely noticed what happened next. The blade cut through the air and stopped by his neck. He felt the burning of the cut and the coldness of the iron pressed against him. It was only a shallow scratch. If the monster didn’t stop mid-air, Takasugi would be dead by now. He didn’t get even a moment to react. That was the only thing that helped him maintain his posture.

“So?” the monster asked hiding his sword back in its sheath.

Takasugi breathed out. Even in the best condition, he wouldn’t be a challenge for him. Fighting would not let Takasugi find any way out of this situation. But - was there even any way out? Probably not.

“You’re real. You’re really here... Utsuro.”  
  
Hearing it made the man smile. What would happen if Takasugi had called him _Shouyou_? Would it make the monster mad? Would he rip him to shreds and end his misery soon?

Either way, there was only death waiting for him here. "I suppose you'll kill me now."  
  
"Why would I?" Utsuro stepped closer.

“Tendoushuu used you as a killer. From all the people you have killed here, I'm the one they want to get rid of the most.”

“You know how to make everyone mad…” Utsuro murmured and reached his hand to him. It rested on Takasugi’s shoulder, near his neck. He ran his thumb over the fresh wound.

What was he thinking about? Takasugi couldn’t crack him up. Was he wondering if it was better to kill him now or to torture him? Because if it wasn’t any of that, Takasugi’s mind was eager to come up with other possibilities he prefered to push away. They were rather unlikely in given circumstances.

Utsuro’s hand pushed on him. In the first reaction, Takasugi's arms ran to Utsuro's trying to catch them. Living beings are always fighting for one more breath. When he regained balance, he calmed down and let it go.

What was going to happen, would happen. There was nothing to avoid that.  
  
His body was leaning down to the hole he had dug. To the pile of bodies. There was nothing to avoid that. Utsuro let go of him. Takasugi fell down.  
  
He crushed on an uneven hard surface. Again, his body wanted to fight. Grab anything. Scratch and pull. Whatever to stay safe. On his skin, he sometimes felt something warm. The more he struggled, the more blood tainted him.  
  
Utsuro only stood and watched him. "How is it? To be finally where you belong?"  
  
Takasugi froze. He looked up at him. How did it look from his perspective? Takasugi probably looked like a worm trying to crawl to the safety. He was even watched from above by someone who would put an end to his struggles. 

There was no longer any place of safety. Takasugi knew it. He understood it even better when Utsuro went down to him. Takasugi didn’t let any of his emotion show. He knew how to face someone more powerful, someone, who he would never defeat. He stayed calm, watchful like there was still some way out from here and he was focused on it.

He kept that attitude even when Utsuro took his face in his hand and pulled him up forcing him to kneel before him.

If only Takasugi could free himself from his grip, he would bite off his hand.  
  
"It would be too easy, wouldn't it? Just to kill you here?” Utsuro said. “You’re one of his students.” His other hand moved to Takasugi’s hair. He brushed them off his face. He showed he could be tender. He dug his fingers in his hair. Clenched on them. And yanked his head back. “I can't spoil you so much. I want to see how tough he made you. I want to crush you. Defile that Shouyou's dear student…”

“Don’t dare using his name,” Takasugi snarled.

“Why?” Utsuro looked him in the eye. “It's also my name.”

Takasugi didn't answer to that. What he said earlier was too reckless. He let Utsuro continue speaking.

“No matter what are you thinking of me, I still have all Shouyou’s memories…” He freed Takasugi from his grip. The man had nowhere to go, so he stayed sitting on the corpses listening to what the devil’s words. "I know what a brat you were. Always causing some problems, always arguing with someone, always fighting. And Shouyou didn’t mind any of it. Maybe he should have disciplined you more. Maybe then this whole story would go differently… Yet, something wouldn’t change no matter what he had done.” He reached to Takasugi’s face and traced over the missing eye. “You were such a pretty boy before it happened. Before all those scars…” His hand moved down along the neck to the chest.

“You don’t like that someone else put their hands on me?” Takasugi couldn’t help it. Even looking in the death’s eyes, he would mock it.

“Hm, it’s truly annoying…”

“You’re that interested in me?” Takasugi hummed. It was better not to tease the devil, it was insane, but he was accused of losing sanity a long time ago already. He wanted to play, he wanted to know what was going on around him and he would never admit losing.

Utsuro again took his face in his hand. “Where do you think it will take you? Speaking like that?”

“Can I go anywhere at this point?” There was nothing that could change his fate at this point. He could only make his death more or less painful.

This answer pleased the monster. He let go of Takasugi. Though, he had no intention of leaving him. He stood there, lowering to him. It all seemed so tender and soothing. When everywhere around them there was only emptiness and corpses.

Like the devil came down to him to gamble for his soul.

“You really won his heart over,” Utsuro said.

Takasugi chuckled. So it was the devil. But if he dared to reach for his soul, he may realise he was not the only demon here.

“Isn't it your heart too, then?” Takasugi teased.

“We can try to find out.” Utsuro’s hands again found its way to his body. His touch was gentle. It was so easy to drown in it. Utsuro kept talking. “There was something missing, wasn't it? In all these memories. He never laid his hands on you. He knew how you were looking at him. He chose to ignore it. He was always too righteous.”

“Where do you think it will take you? Speaking like that?” Takasugi mocked repeating his words.

“It has already taken me where I want to.”

Takasugi would not say it. He would never say it out loud. He would never admit someone else was right. So he stayed silent. He let the devil bury its claws in his heart and soul.

Utsuro kissed him. Giving him a taste of what he was offering. it wasn’t meant to be gentle. That made it taste so good, but it was also what made it enerving. Utsuro held one hand on Takasugi’s shoulder to keep him in place. Treating him like a mad dog, only made him mad. His muscles tensed. He was ready to jump and bite.

To keep him under control, Utsuro pushed him down. Takasugi had to grit his teeth not to let it show how that hurt to be pressed on so uneven surface. The pressure wasn't changing. How much strength did Utsuro have? This time Takasugi couldn't even move. Maybe he could manage to kick him. He tried to move his legs.

Utsuro noticed his struggles and stopped. He moved back a bit. “You don’t want your dream to come true?”

“Does it?”

“Hm… You would prefer something else? Would you like him to come back to you? To put your head? To kiss your forehead?”

“You think I’m that sappy?”

“Tell me. So I can make your dream come true."

“Screw you.”

“Then… As you wish.” He moved closer. Takasugi couldn’t push him away. Maybe he stopped too soon trying. Either way, he knew where this sloppy kisses and touches would lead them. He knew what was going to happen, but there were not many options what he could do about it.

He could close his eye. Try to shut himself from it.

He could fall for it. Drown in a dream like a monster wanted him.

He did neither of it. He persisted. He kept looking. He didn't let himself think of it as a dream. He focused on all the details that were making this scene nightmarish. Blood, corpses, someone who he didn't even exactly knew raw fucking into him. He focused on all this. Because if he didn't, he would fall for it.

For this gentle eyes, for this tender smile...

Oh, how much he wanted to reach his arms and put them around him? How much he wanted to pull him closer. How much he wanted to fall into this sweet dream, yet he couldn't let himself do that.

Like whole his life. He got to accomplish amazing things, he made miracles come true. But there was always something that made his dreams coming true taste so bitter, he could barely swallow it.

He felt how Utsuro's hands were closing on his neck.

So that was how he was going to go down? Could be worse.

 

* * *

 

Takasugi regained consciousness while someone was holding him in his arms. Taking him somewhere. Was he that small and light that he could be held like that? Maybe. For a monster. 

His body ached from laying on the corpses. Like their hands were still wrapped around him, pulling him down, under them. He deserved it. For all the death he caused. He began to realise his fall didn’t end yet. There were still hands around him slowly pulling him under, stripping him from all his pride. Still, he deserved it.

Utsuro laid Takasugi back at the mattress, same he had woken up on. At least the scent of blood weakened, so he could let himself close his eye for a bit.

No, he couldn't. He still had to focus. The danger wasn't over. It only became inevitable.

“You could have let me down there,” Takasugi spoke as he turned to the side to minimalise the pressure on his hurt back.

“I knew you weren't dead.” His voice was soft. He looked like… No. He didn’t. He couldn’t.

Takasugi forced his mind to focus on something else. Why was he always stopping before killing him? Wasn't it his goal? Or did he want to prolong his suffering?

“You took me with you to have more fun?”

“I can't go easy on you,” Utsuro faintly smiled.

“I hope so.” Takasugi tried to move to lay on his back again, but it hurt even worse than before. He stopped himself from making any sound as he returned to the previous position. But Utsuro was still watching him closely.

“Your back hurts?”

“A bit,” Takasugi replied to see what would happen.

Utsuro turned back. “Oboro, take care of him.”

So he was there too. Whatever. After all that, no matter what calamity would fall upon Takasugi, he would not be surprised.

And so he let Oboro get close even if, in a normal situation, he would first tear him to shreds. He had other things on his head than settling some old scores. Oboro was oddly quiet as he came close and helped him to sit. Takasugi didn’t know much about treating injuries, so he paid him no mind. He focused on the other man in the room.

Utsuro stood watching them. He didn't say anything more. Oboro didn’t speak either. That eerie atmosphere was enough to make Takasugi think about escape.

Was there a way to run from Utsuro?

Maybe the more important question was if Takasugi wanted to run away from him.

Did it matter?

There was no chance to run away.

To hide from his own thought his eye focus again on Oboro as he finished treating his injuries and walked to Utsuro as if to ask if he was still needed. He apparently wasn’t, cause he shortly after left the room. They didn't even speak. There was something in their moves, their gazes.

It felt surreal to see Oboro being so submissive toward someone. He was always the leader of the Naraku. Someone whose words could change people’s fates. And now he barely had a right to speak.

Or maybe they were all so deep into the night that the crows didn’t dare yet to make noise?

"Why is he like this towards you?" Takasugi asked.

“Obedient? Maybe you'll learn that too,” Utsuro came closer to him. “You two are a lot alike. You both suffer cause you failed to save Shouyou… Shouyou taught you too well. You're so obedient for me. Chained by all the attachments you have with him."

Utsuro was close, but this time he didn’t touch Takasugi. He didn’t have to. Takasugi’s body still remembered his touch. It remembered, which didn’t mean it was scared. No. Takasugi still kept his head high and speak against him. "Shouyou didn't raise us to be obedient. We were loyal to him, cause he was kind to us."

"Now all that kindness is lost."  
  
"We'll see." 

Utsuro burst out laughing.

Takasugi felt worse for a moment. His mind clouded for a moment. He leaned on his arm pressed on the bed. It wasn’t enough. His heart bit slowly and it resonated louder and louder in his ears. He put himself down. It helped for a moment.

He noticed a small red spot on his hand. He should have to pay more attention to Oboro.

He felt like each of his muscles trembled. Then it all stopped. And he couldn't move anything. Even breathing was so shallow it made him dizzy.

Utsuro didn't seem pleased with it. Maybe there was some disobedience from Oboro side.

Takasugi wanted to say something, but he could force his lips to move. His eyelids grow heavier and his mind fogged. He was falling into some dream.

 

* * *

 

There was only darkness. No dreams, nor light when he woke up. At least he thought he woke up. Maybe all of it was one nightmare. He had no idea how he got to this planet. He had been here only once. Kamui showed them where they could run to if everything turned bad for them. The last Takasugi remembered was the fight with Gintoki. He was in a bad shape after it. Kamui took him from the battlefield. Shame. He wanted to die there.

What happened after?

If all that was happening around him was real, then he did a good job in pissing Tendoushuu off. At least something. But how did he get that far from Earth and did not recall anything about the journey? Was he in a coma?

Or maybe he still was. That would explain how this dream would seem so real and he couldn't wake up from it.

It didn't matter.

Takasugi's eye started to accustomed to the darkness. It seemed that he was alone. He could try escaping. It was all meaningless, but it was better than lying in the dark waiting for the monster to rip his body apart.

He got up soundlessly and went towards the direction he remembered the only doors were. After them, there was the other room. Nearly as dark, but there was a faint line of light from the door leading out. He couldn’t recall what was in this room, so he went slowly along the wall.

He stepped on the glass. He hissed but kept going. He wouldn't get far anyway. It was all meaningless.

Takasugi got outside. He breathed in like he was catching his last breath of the fresh air. He was no longer alone. He noticed it.

In the middle of a chilly night, under unknown stars, he faced once again the devil. He didn’t try to run away from it. There was nowhere to run.

“Are you really here?” he only asked. Again his mind and his heart were giving him conflicting answers.

“Do you want me to remind you what’s real again?”

“I don’t think it would help anymore.”

“Then stop asking and let yourself dream.”

Utsuro got close. He moved so quick, Takasugi couldn’t help but step back. Utsuro wouldn’t let him go away. He stepped on his wounded foot. Takasugi couldn't withhold it. He fell to the front, right where Utsuro could catch him.

He took him in his arms again and brought him back to bed. Takasugi wanted to laugh. He had no idea what was going on around him.  
  
"You've hurt yourself so badly,” Utsuro spoke. “It would get worse if you continued your escape." He kneeled down and reached his hurt foot.  
  
"Thankfully you stopped me?" Takasugi snarked.  
  
"Sometimes you have to appreciate even your enemies."  
  
Takasugi spat in his face.  
  
Utsuro pushed one of the glass pieces deeper into Takasugi's foot. The man trembled and fell on his back.

"I see Shouyou didn't teach you manners."  
  
"If I get to speak with him, I will remind him of it."  
  
Utsuro got closer. He took Takasugi's chin in hand and brash his finger on his lips.  
  
"Did this mouth ever bring you anything good?"  
  
"Your cock wasn't bad."  
  
"You want me to shove it  down your throat?"  
  
"Oh, please, don't spoil me that much."  
  
"Next time."  
  
"Can't wait."  
  
Utsuro took his hurt feet again. Takasugi didn't care. He hissed and trembled, but he didn't have a force left to resist Utsuro in any way. It hurt like hell. Takasugi should get used to it. The only thing waiting for him here was torture.  
  
Soon the pain ended. Right. All the pieces of glass were taken up. That what Utsuro was doing.

He was treating his wound?

Why?

Now he moved to bandage the hurt foot. His moves were gentle and attentive. Almost like...  
  
Takasugi tried to hold back his emotion. Soon he felt something wet on his cheeks. No. Not now. Not now from all possible situations.

Utsuro did notice. Not at the exact moment, but when he was done with treating his foot. At that point, Takasugi stopped holding anything in. He let it happen. Let all the tears flow down his cheeks. Utsuro only watched him at first. It took him a moment to get close again. When he did, he wiped the tears off Takasugi’s cheek. "Did you remember how each time this man took care of you?"

Those words brought on more tears. Takasugi didn’t even know he still had any. Since Shouyou’s death, he had never cried. Now it was like all his wounds opened and he laid down bleeding out.

Utsuro stroke his hair in reassuring like gesture. It brought nothing but growing emptiness in Takasugi.

“Try to sleep,” Utsuro said gently. Almost caringly.

Takasugi shook his head. Cry and pain tired him. But he couldn’t let himself fall asleep again. Cause each time he did, he fell deeper into this dream.

His reaction amused Utsuro. "Are you afraid that you'll wake up and I'll be gone with your dearest master?"  
  
"I spent my whole life dreaming he was still alive no matter what I had seen with my own eyes. Maybe I'm going to dream forever."  
  
"And I won't let you wake up from that dream."

 

* * *

 

When Takasugi woke up he didn't have any will to get up. He only looked around. There were things left by Kiheitai. Near his bed, there was his pipe and the yakult plushy Matako once gave him. It was near him whole time when he was in a coma?

Takasugi wondered what might have happened to those Kiheitai members whose bodies he hadn't seen between those corpses. They were probably still alive. Maybe they got separated under some attack. But if they were still alive, that meant they would come here looking for him. He didn't want them to get anywhere near this madness. He couldn't do anything to warn them. He could only die fast enough to make Utsuro leave this planet before anyone would reach it to find Takasugi.  
  
He was screwed.

Even more - he heard footsteps. He expected the worst possible, but in the doorway, he saw only Oboro.  
  
“Why are you here?”

“It needs to be changed.” He pointed at the blood-soaked bandage on Takasugi's foot.

“Why would anyone bother?” he sighed, but yet again he let Oboro get close. This time though he watched his moves carefully.

“Why did you drug me then?” Takasugi asked.

No answer.

“It’s better not to wake up, huh?” Takasugi murmured to himself. “Did he tell you to come here and take care of it?”

Of course, there was no answer.

“He's waiting for something, isn't he? And I'm a plaything to kill some time… What is he planning to do?"

Takasugi didn't expect the answer. It was the most unlikely question to get answered. Yet, it did.  
  
"He's planning to destroy the world," he said finishing putting the new bandage.  
  
Takasugi chuckled. "Sounds familiar."  
  
"You're going to join him, then?" Oboro looked him in the eye.  
  
"I wonder what he is hiding behind that term… Has he meet Gintoki yet?”

“Yes.”

So Gintoki had already met him. But even he wasn't able to stop him. They were truly screwed. Maybe that one time the world would be destroyed.

“You knew Shouyou, right?” Takasugi asked.

“I knew him,” he stood up. “Even before you met him.”

“Wait...”

Oboro left.

 _What?_  
  


* * *

 

The devil came back when Takasugi was still awake. When he was sitting on the bed cursing each moment of his life. Takasugi’s eye immediately noticed his presence. He knew the only way to beat the devil would be being one himself and biting onto it till hell swallows them both. At least when it was put into words like this it sounded like a plan. That helped him silence his thoughts and ignore the itch under his skin. He wanted to wake up from this dream.

“You've missed me?” Takasugi hummed.

“Maybe.” Utsuro came closer.

“Why me?”

“What you?”

“Why did you catch me? Oboro said you've met Gintoki. He's also Shouyou student and breaking him would be much more satisfying. Having such a strong man surrender, hm…?”

“Have you fantasized about your friend?”

Takasugi grinned and leaned towards Utsuro. “I fantasized about you. Would you go down on me?” He took his face in his hands.

“Are you wishing for death?”

“Maybe… And maybe you had some other irritating feeling you wanted to mute. Not only your supposed hatred towards Shouyou.”

“You think I desire you?”

“I am quite attractive. And you’re the one who fucked me the very first day you met me.”

Utsuro’s eyes weren’t dull for a moment. Takasugi grinned. He knew that look that Utsuro let for a moment slip. He did want him.

Takasugi wanted to play further. “You already have a good boy who is on each of your demand. He would even kill himself if you told him so. Maybe you want to try something else, hm? Someone who would resist you? Some brat who you would have to punish? Hm? Daddy, you're going to spank my ass?” Takasugi put his arms around his neck. “What are you going to do to me?”

“Why are you trying to make me mad?” Utsuro asked only in return.

“Am I doing it successfully?”

Utsuro took his hands and put them away from himself.

“Why are you so cold now, huh? Afraid that I figured out something about you?” Takasugi didn’t stop. He tried to touch Utsuro again, but he caught his hand.

Utsuro broke his arm.

Takasugi was silent, in shock as the sound of breaking bone was still resonating in his ears. He trembled. His body was giving up to pain.

“We can do it like this,” Utsuro said caressing Takasugi’s cheek. “Do you want me to continue?”

 

* * *

 

When Takasugi came back to consciousness, he was still alive. Breathing and able to see. The plan didn’t work out. He sighed. “How am I still alive?”

“He stopped.” he heard Oboro answered him.

“Shame.” Takasugi forced his body to get up to see a bit to his state. “I still have all my limbs.”

“Your body is intact. Only your arm was broken. I've already treated your wounds,” he said indifferently wanting to go away.

“You gave me something to numb the pain?” That would explain the dizziness he was feeling.

“You passed out from pain. I supposed you would prefer not feeling it for some time…”

“Passed out from pain, ha. As always the most unheroic as anyone could be.”

“You brought all of that on yourself.”

“I know. I’m a disaster.”

All he had done was teasing the tiger. He didn't expect to get out alive from this situation, so he didn't have to bother if he got bit by it a few times or not. And by the look of his skin, he could tell, he had been bitten a lot.

"You are not afraid of him."  
  
"I know. I lack preservation instinct. When I see a danger, I put my fingers there.” He sized Oboro with his gaze. “Do you fear him?"  
  
Oboro didn't answer for long. He didn’t have to. Takasugi read from this silence the answer.  
  
"Then I've really gone mad," Takasugi chuckled. “But there is also a different type of insanity here. Why are helping him? Teasing a beast is seems more rational for me than doing everything to please it when you can run away?”

“I can't,” his voice quivered. That was unexpected. But he soon calmed. “I can't. I pledge him my loyalty...”

“Bullshit.”

“What would you prefer me to say?”

“Maybe how you could stay and watch everything happen, cause I would rather kill anyone in sight than do what you are doing.”

“What do you mean?’

“You knew Shouyou as well as we did. Maybe better. And yet, you watched as he was arrested, as he was taken to prison, as he was hurt there again and again. You watched his suffering and you did nothing.”

“I didn’t let anyone hurt him there.”

“How thoughtful of you… Then tell me how did he lose his mind there if it wasn’t because of that suffering you brought on him?”

“It didn’t happen there…”

“It happened after the execution. After the greatest torture that could have been arranged for him. You were there. You could have stopped it all with your word. But no, you stood there and watched it. And when he came back as the monster, you had no longer any choice but to stand and watch.” Takasugi could see how his words were weighing down Oboro. How each of these words hurt him. He didn’t expect it at all. He didn’t know Shouyou was that important for Oboro... At least... “You didn’t pledge your loyalty to Utsuro but to Shouyou. You were his student...”

“I've strayed so far from his teachings... I've done bad... I...”

“Oi, don't hyperventilate here. It's...” _okay?_ Really? That man was still the one that took everything from him. It partially made it all worse. He wasn't a soldier following some insane command. He came to his life to take what was the most important and he knew well its value.

Takasugi should leave him like this. Or put his hands around his neck and help him that way. Yet, he didn't.

Oboro's breathing couldn't calm down. Takasugi pulled him close and stole his breath for a moment. Only for a moment. It wasn't anything big.

Yet, Oboro was shaking because of it.

“Sorry,” Takasugi whispered. “I thought it wouldn't be a big deal.” He stared at Oboro for a moment. “Only he ever touched you, huh? That can be changed easily.” Takasugi reached to him, but he burst into bitter laughter when he touched him. "You're like an angel trapped between two devils that keeps ripping off your wings."  
  
"If I ever had any wings, they got ripped off long ago."

“You make me want to check it…”

They were watched. Not since long, but Takasugi and Oboro became aware of it in the same moment.

“So it's true when they say hell is other people,” Utsuro said still staring at them.

Takasugi smirked. “Then I'll your hell.”

“I'm not human.”

“I'll make you be one.”

Oboro left. As if he wanted to escape tension growing in the room.

Utsuro came close and sat on the bed. He was staring at Takasugi interested. Utsuro traced over his neck. There had to be a lot of bruises from the first day. Takasugi didn’t know how he looked. He didn’t even know how much time passed. He had lost consciousness a lot. And before he had just woken up from a coma. He didn’t know which day it was, which month, which year.

“How did you survive it?” Utsuro murmured to himself.

“I’m like a cockroach. I can survive a lot.”

Utsuro raised his eyebrow and hummed. “Don’t make me check your theory… The painkillers he gave you will wear off soon.”

“Tell him to give me more, then.”

“Oh, I’m afraid you scared him. He won’t come back in a while.”

Takasugi didn’t show anything hearing it. He knew Utsuro was only toying with him. And whenever Takasugi would and would not get painkillers was also a part of this game. He was not going to play it. Not by Utsuro’s rules.

If painkillers wore off, he would bear it. He had been on a war. He had survived worse. Though, if Utsuro would use force again. If it all turned to real torture… Takasugi was only human, and not the strongest one.

He needed to change the rules of this game. In the right moment. No more teasing the devil. He didn’t want to risk that he backed off again before killing him.

Utsuro sat on the bed. “Countdown everything I’ve done to you.”

Takasugi hesitated, but at least for now it was better to stay low. He kept his head high. Like none of it done any damage to him. “You cut my neck,  you throw me on the pile of bodies and you raped me there. You strangled me there. Your friend there drugged me, a few times. You shoved glass deeper into my feet,” Utsuro touched the bandages on his foot. It was still hurting like hell. “You broke my arm,” Takasugi had to grit his teeth when Utsuro’s hand reached it.

“Hm… Maybe we should play like this once more.”

“I lost consciousness halfway.”

“Want me to tell you everything I had done to you?”

"Do you want me that badly to fear you?"  
  
Utsuro was silent.  
  
"Everyone feared you. But that one spoiled brat didn't and you can't get why? Are you afraid that I won't break? That Shouyou manage to make something that resisted even you? You can't break me. He broke me. Seeing him dying broke me. Nothing can patch me up after it. The more you're trying to make me fear you, the less I'm afraid.” Takasugi sat on his lap. “So you’re going to torture me again? How creative...”

“So what should I do with you?”

“Can I order you?”

“I can take your words into consideration.”

“Raping me is also not the most creative way of spending time.”

“What are you trying to gain from talking like that?”

“I told at the beginning - I don't want to gain anything.”

“Just running towards self-destruction?”

“Aren’t you the same?”

Utsuro didn’t answer. Luckily for him, the painkillers were really wearing off and that stole Takasugi’s attention. His breath grew shaky. He trembled.

Utsuro put him back on the bed and left him. Maybe he wasn’t interesting enough in this state. Utsuro came back soon. No. No. Takasugi tried to move back, but he grabbed him tight. He put something in his mouth. Then he covered it with his. Filled with water. Forcing Takasugi to swallow.

Takasugi coughed.

“He left painkillers.”

“Why?”

“You don’t want torture. Let’s try something different. You're running away. You don't want me to act like him. You don't want me to be gentle with you.” He stroked his cheek.

Takasugi didn’t crack. He couldn’t let anyone fuck with his mind like that. He couldn’t.

If only…

What?

If only the monster didn’t have Shouyou’s face, Shouyou’s voice? It wasn’t only that. It was becoming so much more for him. Maybe he was falling into illusion, but…

It didn’t matter.

His oppressor wanted to break him. And whatever method he chose to use, Takasugi would rather die than give the satisfaction of succeeding. He persisted. Whole thing. His body is just a body, it breaks, it reacts, it couldn’t be helped.

Utsuro was gentle. Each his move, touch, kiss, murmur… It was all so tender. As if he was making love to him. As if it was in fact Shouyou…

When it was over, Takasugi cried. For the second time, Utsuro saw him cry. It was his goal. So why did he so tenderly wiped tears from his face?

“I know what you want to say - Shouyou wouldn't be so sick to do something like this,” Takasugi said.

“He was a fool not to do it.”

Takasugi looked at him. His eye focus on Utsuro. He didn’t seem amused by how this situation turned. Something was bothering him.

“Sleep,” Utsuro only said leaving him. Takasugi didn’t have the strength to oppose it.

 

* * *

 

When Takasugi woke up, he heard dulled voices. They were coming from the other room. Oboro and Utsuro. It was always only these two voices. He heard Oboro whimper. What… What was happening there? Utsuro seemed to be always gentle towards him.

He went to them. Slowly. Limping because of that stupid feet. He leaned in the doorway. They already noticed him. So what? He came to them.

“Which one of you will take me in your strong arms and take me back to bed?” he asked them with a smirk.

“You can crawl back if you can't walk,” Utsuro said.

“It wouldn’t look as good as it might seem. I look better cradle in strong arms.”

Oboro moved first. He lent Takasugi his arm to lean on and helped him get back to the bed.

“It had to be a lot to make you whimper,” Takasugi murmured to him.

“You don’t have to worry about me.” Oboro helped him even sit on the bed. He was really a good child if you stopped minding all his sins.

“We’re both screwed,” Takasugi chuckled bitterly. He couldn’t see any injuries on Oboro. He moved his hand to loosen his robes. Oboro stopped him too late.

“Damn, you’re in a bad shape.”

“These are only scars.”

There were so many of them. Also, Takasugi finally noticed the hand. Someone was really not going easy on himself.

“Every scar has its history...” Takasugi moved his hand along one on his chest.

“Don’t…”

“Is it hurt?”

“No. It’s…” He felt Utsuro’s gaze on him. “Do what you want.”

Takasugi raised his eye unamused. “Mad that I'm taking what's yours?” He hummed. “Or interested?”

Utsuro stayed silent. He watched.

“Let’s give him a show, hm?” Takasugi murmured to Oboro. The man trembled. “Sh… I'm not anyone to be fear here.” Takasugi caressed his hair. “You endured so much more worst things… I'll only bring you some pleasure.”

He moved his hand on his chest again. All the way down to the abdomen. And lower. He watched as Oboro breathed hitched when he wrapped his fingers around his cock. He kissed him. Using too much tongue. He had to make the show worth watching. He took Oboro’s face in his hands. “Suck me off.”

Oboro didn’t move.

“Do as he says,” Utsuro broke in.

Oboro moved down.

Takasugi dug his fingers into his hair and looked at Utsuro. “You enjoy watching?”

“You’re going too easy on him.”

“Not everyone has to with force.”

“Some people are weak.”

“Rather multi-talented. It would be boring to only bring pain. I prefer that way. Smoothing someone's body, crawling slowly into their mind and doing whatever I want...”

“Like we did last night?”

Takasugi looked sharply at him. “Want to join?” he said after a moment.

Oboro stirred, but Takasugi put one hand him to keep him in place. Maybe rather ask him to stay, he didn’t have the strength to force him to anything. Otherwise Utsuro. He came to them. He sat just behind Oboro. He pulled him back and kissed him. He looked Takasugi in the eye. “You have to try harder to earn anything.”

Oboro clung onto Utsuro. They kissed messily. Takasugi knew there was something between them. Though seeing how Oboro was becoming less innocent made all this situation a lot more interesting.

Takasugi smirked and moved closer.

 

* * *

 

“We tired him out,” Takasugi chuckled seeing Oboro asleep. They had bullied him. He was all crying out.

Though, it seemed a bit sad. If the crow was crying out, then the day was coming up. Time to say goodbye to the lovers… It was only poetic nonsense. It didn’t really mean anything.

“He slept badly lately.” Utsuro caressed his hair and looked at Takasugi. “He wanted to protect you from me.”

“I always get myself in trouble.”

“He didn’t know it yet… He’s such an obedient, good kid. In contrast to you.”

“So?” Takasugi moved closer to Utsuro. “Gonna punish me somehow?”

“You’re barely breathing if you are not on painkillers. I’ll let it slide.”

“You’re growing soft on me. Too soft.” He got so close, he could sit leaning on his chest.

“It stopped being a game?” Utsuro murmured.

“It stopped being torture.”

“Depends on who you talk.”

“Oh, I hurt you?” Takasugi looked him in the eyes.

“You’re always seducing everyone around and showing them that no one can have you.”

“Maybe it’s because I already belong to someone?”

“Lucky guy.”

“He would not call himself that...” Takasugi’s eye lingered on him for a bit too long. He moved his hand to Utsuro's forehead. He let the bangs down. His gaze softened. He swallowed hard. He put the bangs up, but his eye kept looking at him the same way.

“Am I good in imitating him?” Utsuro asked.

“No. You’re horrible at it.” Takasugi pulled his hands away.

“Oboro falls for this. I only need to make my voice sweeter,” his tone changed to Shouyou’s. “I need to put a gentle smile on… And that’s all,” he sighed. Like Shouyou when all the students ran out of the class before he ended the class. It happened a lot on sunny days. Takasugi never ran off like that. He always stayed a bit longer and watched Shouyou. He learnt all his smiles and sighs. He knew them too well. He moved his fingers to Utsuro’s face.

“Don't die ever again,” Takasugi said only.

“Even for the last time?”

“Especially then.”

“You want to keep someone like me?”

“Is it that bad?”

“It's insane.”

“I don’t care.”

“What with the rest of the world?”

“Screw them. We’re both made them all mad.”

“You just want him back…”

“Seems that after all, I am that sappy… I know that it feels there is nowhere to come back to. Everything is ripped to shreds and burned down... But if there is anyone who remembers how it was before, there will be always a way to come back.”

“Why are you like this? Because you think I’m him?”

“I know you are,” Takasugi looked him in the eyes. He felt it under his skin the whole time. He would recognise his loved one everywhere. But since he wanted to meet him again that badly, it seemed impossible to happen. So he thought, it was all a dream or even heaven. But since it was still the same painful, pitiful life, then it had to be something else wrong. It had to be a monster, a demon, someone who wanted to haunt him disguised as a dream. So he tried to remove the cover, push away that mask. But the more he struggled, the more he looked for the crack in the disguise, the more he could see that he was wrong. All that was there was only the other pair of eyes as sad as his.

“I’m not…” Utsuro started. He had to notice it all from the way how Takasugi was looking at him now. He stopped suppressing it.

“I know. It's easier to push it all away, to dissociate. It's not me, it's something bad that’s in me. Some dark beast roaring from the inside. Sometimes you let the beast out, cause it's easier. The beast can't be hurt. It has no other feelings than anger and hate. Apart from it, it's hollow. So you let it out, let it kill off all the enemies and then when you're safe, when all apart from you is dead, you come back. There’s nothing left. Nothing that can harm you, nothing that can scare you. But you're getting scared of how alone it made you. There is nothing. Only a pile of bodies. So you want to make it all stop. To turn into a corpse. That would make everything stop for sure, forever…”

“Are you thinking I'm that weak?”

“I'm thinking how strong you were to endure it for so long.”

“It was Shouyou.”

“Not you, I know. Like I'm not the beast that keeps howling in me, screaming to kill everyone in sight, telling me to kill myself.”

“You’re talking without sense.”

“Maybe,” Takasugi sighed. “I should go to sleep, huh? Let me sleep in your arms. Whoever you are.”

Utsuro let him leaned on him again. He didn’t seem to mind it. Or it wasn’t a too big price for making Takasugi quiet. It could be either of these two possibilities.

When Takasugi was falling asleep, he heard breathed out tenderly: “My dearest boy.” But he probably overheard it.

 

* * *

 

When Takasugi woke up, there was no one around. He could try to go outside the room to check it, but he didn’t have the strength to stand. The painkillers were wearing off again.

It seemed like a long time of dozing off and waking up again until he finally heard someone.

“Hm… You come back,” Takasugi hummed. “I've thought you got tired and left me behind.”

Utsuro came closer. He seemed sad. Why? Why was he sad?

“Why do you keep waking up?” he asked.

“Would it be easier if I have never woken up?”

“It would be better for you.”

“Maybe that's the reason. I always fail to do whatever is good for me.”

Utsuro sat on his bed. He caressed his cheek. “This time you will not wake up anymore.”

Before Takasugi could react, he felt a stab in his stomach. The blade went up slitting his body.  
  
"You're killing me? Can I count it as my win?" His breath was going shorter. His hands were trying to catch anything. He coughed and felt iron taste even in his mouth. He was drowning in his own blood.

Utsuro wanted to leave. Takasugi noticed it in his moves. But he stayed. When Takasugi’s hands catch on him. Maybe he came up with some other plan. Or maybe it was some sudden change of heart.  
  
Utsuro embraced him. He caressed his cheek. And he kissed him. Like he would never want to let him go from his arms, even if it was inevitable at this point. Even if it was for the better. It tasted so sad, but they let themselves for the last moment of closeness.

Right. That was how ‘goodbye kisses’ were like.  
  
Takasugi felt something wet on his cheek. But he couldn’t be wrong. He was losing consciousness again.

 

* * *

 

Takasugi woke up once again.

He was indeed a cockroach.  
  
Someone had to patch him up. Oboro? But how Takasugi even survived it? He did get out of a lot of near-death situation in his life, but now it felt unreal.

He didn’t feel any pain nor dizziness caused by painkillers. He got up to have a better look on his body. He could freely lean on the arm that had been broken. His body seemed to be in a good condition, even though he was covered in blood and dirt. There were still some of the old, soaked through bandages. He ripped them off. There was no sign of his injuries. He even traced over the places where he remembered them to be, but he could feel anything.

He reached to his left eye. It was still closed. Right. That one wound would never heal.  
  
What did happen?

Was it all a dream?

He stood up. Without any pain or effort. He went where he buried the corpses of his subordinates. That part wasn't a dream.

He returned to that room. He sat on the bed and waited. Nothing happened.

He reached for his pipe which was still there. There was even some tobacco left, so he could smoke it at least one more time.

Before the sunset, he heard something. He went out. He leaned on the wall and put on a smirk. He had still a reputation to maintain.

"You've come to save me?" he chuckled seeing Gintoki, those kids of his, Zura and Sakamoto alongside what was left from the Kiheitai. “You've come so late, I manage it all by myself."  
  
Gintoki stared at him. Like he was ready to pierce him though. Whatever.  
  
"Utsuro is going to destroy the world. You should hurry up and return. Since you still have where."  
  
Gintoki's eyes were focused on him. "You've met him? How did you survive?"  
  
"I have my ways." That wouldn’t convince anyone. “I wasn’t much interesting for him. I’ve just woken up from a coma. Even killing me wouldn’t be fun.” It was all lies. Humiliating lies. But he could see how they fell for it. “Go. Save the world from him. I’ll be fine.”

They left.

“Shinsuke…” Bansai looked over him worried. Right, he was all stained in blood.

“I’m not wounded… It’s not mine. I had to bury everyone.”

Bansai’s expression relaxed. “You look tired.”

“Just slept for… How long?”

“Three and half of a month.”

“And that was still not enough for me,” he smirked.

“What happened here?”

“Everyone died.”

“Not everyone,” he heard Kamui. “I thought you may need your sword back.” He threw him it.

“And what happened to you?” Takasugi teased him. “You look like you’ve lost.”

“For the last time in my life.”

“Good.”

“Shinsuke-sama…” Matako dared to spoke. “What are we going to do now?”

He looked at her.

He didn’t think about anything. There was always some plan, some goal to reach. Now all he wanted was to come back to that room and wait. But there would nothing happen. It was meaningless to stay.

Right. The crows cried out, the day came, the war came. They could no longer close their eyes and fall into dreams.

“Would you… trust me?” he asked looking at them. He didn’t expect that from them. He led them only to death and suffering.

“Always,” Matako said immediately.

“You bring most fun, so we’re on board,” Kamui grinned. Harusame agreed with him.

“Wherever you go, I’ll go after you,” Bansai added.

Why were they like this? Takasugi didn’t deserve that in any way. But there wasn’t the time to think about it. He had to be the commander once again. He had to lead the people

“I have a plan.”

He couldn’t let Utsuro destroy the world. He couldn’t stop him alone. Gintoki and others might not be enough. But they had to try.

That will be the last thing Takasugi would do for the so-called humanity. After, he would disappear. He would try to catch the one person he ever cared about.

"Shinsuke-sama,” he heard Matako again, “your hand…”

He looked at it. He cut it on the broken fenced he touched. He saw the blood. But there was no trace of any wound. Like it already healed.

“It’s some old blood, don’t worry,” he said to her. Again, lies.

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of people wanted me to write/keep writing it, I hope I didn't completely let you down with how it turned out in the end.
> 
> Please, anyone, comment or find me on Twitter as @AkikoKitsune


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